a poem by c.s. lewis

while reading blue like jazz, i read a section from the second chapter that made me think. it has a poem that “addresses his own depravity with a soulful sort of bravery:

all this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
i never had a selfless thought since i was born.
i am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
i want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals i seek,
i cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
i talk of love--scholar's parrot may talk greek--
but, self-imprisoned, always end where i begin."

donald miller continues, "i talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; i rage against american materialism in the name of altruism, but have i even controlled my own heart? the overwhelming majority of time i spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when i am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. six billion people live in this world, and i can only muster thoughts of one. me."

now these are not always my thoughts, but i have them nonetheless. how is it that we still have to fight these feelings, and thoughts? why can't we accept the new creation that we are when we become christians and live like we should? how do we deal with those feelings, and thoughts? or am i the only one that has this problem?

donald nails me with this book. i am just at the beginning of it though, i hope that i feel a little better later on in the book.