You Might Be a Member of the Church of Christ

isn't it sad when you can't come up with something original for your blog posts?

YOU MIGHT BE A MEMBER IF ...

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy of “Redneck” joke fame, you might be a member of the church of Christ …

• If you know exactly what song I’m talking about when I ask you to turn to number 728b.
• If you could recite all the books of the Bible before you could even read them.
• If you know the first and third verse of nearly every song.
• If you actually know what a “ready recollection” is and have been thoroughly “guide-guard-and-directed” all your life. (If you’re really a member, you know that “guide-guard-and-directed” must be followed by “and-bring-us-back-at-the-next-appointed-time.”)
• If you think “progressive” refers to those in the church who want a sound system and PowerPoint.
• If you can actually read shape notes.
• If you recognize any of these ministers by first name alone: Landon, Reuel, Prentice, Rubel, Norvel, Flavil, Furman or Batsell.
• If you think your chosen pew is “sacred” and no one else should sit in your spot.
• If you think the Bible questions on Jeopardy are way too easy.
• If you decide which Bible translation to use based on how Acts 2:38 reads.
• If you immediately reach for your wallet when you hear the phrase, “Now, separate and apart from the Lord’s Supper … ”
• If “chosen frozen” refers to your early worship service that resembles a country church 50 years ago, and “happy clappy” describes your late service that the chosen frozen are deeply concerned about.
• If you know all the words to all the verses of Trust and Obey.
• If you’ve ever ridden a JOY bus. (And, of course, you know that JOY stands for “Jesus” first, “Others” second and “Yourself” last.)
• If, when you’re happy and you know it, you clap your hands, stomp your feet and say “Amen!”
• If you’ve ever carried your Bible in an empty casserole dish.
• If you brought that casserole dish to the last fellowship meal, and the main ingredient in it was cream of mushroom soup.
• If you’ve ever heard a rambunctious young child yell “Pray for me! Pray for me!” as his mother whisked him down the aisle to the foyer.
• If you’ve ever wondered who Ebon Pinion was.
• If you think the term “church of Christ humor” is an oxymoron.
• If you’ve ever heard an announcement from the pulpit about a missing puppet.
• If you think the Chronicle is way too liberal.
• If you’ve ever prayed for those “who are sick of this congregation.”
• If you’ve never been to a church that wasn’t named after the street it was on.
• If you think the Chronicle is way too conservative.
• If you’ve been to a wedding or a funeral where “the invitation” was offered.
• If you’ve stood for 13 verses of Just As I Am with the last stanza sung softly.